It is terrifying to lose your identity. The darkness is suffocating. You can’t breathe. You don’t want to wake up. You dread tomorrow. Everything is noise. All is pretend.
The ability to change yourself does not come easily. But in the end it is worth it.
Because I can see the night sky now. And it has never been so beautiful. To just lay in the grass and watch as the stars light up the midnight blue sky. I love being free.
When I was little I was outgoing, friendly and fearless. I had a big heart and a loud personality. That was me, Lulu. I thought I would never break. I thought I could not ever break. I thought I couldn’t ever lose to the people who put me down. The idiots could say whatever they wanted. They could yell at me to shut up. They could tell me I was annoying. I thought I wouldn’t ever let them hurt me. I thought I loved myself and I knew who I was. And I thought I had won.
It took years but in the end Lulu became terrified of herself, worn out and fragile as glass. She started to pretend everything was okay. I hated her. I didn’t want to be Lulu. Waking up every day and being Lulu was a living nightmare. No one can understand how painful it was. No matter where Lulu went people would call her loud and annoying. I wanted Lulu to disappear. Lulu was ugly and fat. Just saying the name Lulu brings back horrible memories. I just want to forget her. Lulu is not who I am now.
I am Cat.
My name comes from my character Catherine Steppes II (a long story for another time). I am a writer. In honor of Catherine Steppes II, I call myself Cat. She is everything I have always dreamed about being. Thin. Courageous. Social. And so much more. Cat has given me strength, security and above all else hope to find myself once more. The power to change. Never again will I return to Lulu. She gave up on herself and I gave up on her. I will find my own path. I am not blinded by the darkness. There are no more voices whispering to me to stop. I am moving forward. I have broken my chains.
I am a cat free to live in the moment.